Big Win

Remember the craft fair I mentioned in yesterday’s post? Well, I won something at the silent auction. And it was an actual win, because I got the prize for less than market rate.

Das Big Boy and Herr Husband on our impromptu bowling date today. DBB has excellent aim, but his speed seems to defy the laws of physics. It's an incredibly long wait for his ball to get to the pins. But he got two nines and a 10 (three throws candlepin) today, and he was SO excited! It was adorable.

Das Big Boy and Herr Husband on our impromptu bowling date today. DBB has excellent aim, but his speed seems to defy the laws of physics. It’s an incredibly long wait for his ball to get to the pins. But he got two nines and a 10 (three throws candlepin), and he was SO excited! It was adorable.

Here is our imaginary conversation (you’re in italics; I’m in regular print):

What could it be?

What does Hipster Hausfrau need?  I ask you, indulging yet again in that annoying habit of catechizing you and referring to myself in the third person. I do this to my poor children all the time.

Wine? You posit, demonstrating your in-depth knowledge of me.

No, like really need. I always have wine.

A bit of time to herself, maybe with a massage?

Yes, actually. I do. Please mention that to Herr Husband. But that’s not what I won.

To organize her life?

Ding ding ding!

Yes! I won two hours of professional organizational services! People might wonder how it’s so hard for a stay at home mom to keep her house in order. I’m going to steal a line from Rocky: “I’m busy raising people!” And it’s true. That’s my focus. So some days I have a really clean house and most days I don’t, and then there are places like my desk and my pantry which are always terrifying. But I have a million schools and appointments and meetings and errands and play dates to run to, and when I’m home with my kids I like to do projects and play and read. My house has endless laundry (as problematic when it’s clean and waiting to be put away as it is when it’s dirty), dishes galore, and lots of papers to manage. And I’ve always sucked at organization. I was the kid in elementary school whose teachers would finally give up and dump her desk to make her clean it. And we’d always find like four disgusting old sandwiches in there.

Also, I’ve just realized that I should be embarrassed at preschool drop-off, not because of my outfits, but because my car looks like chimpanzees are squatting in it.

Wait, you’re saying, if you don’t know me that well, I thought you were a hipster HAUSFRAU? And you’re right. I do make that claim. But in a sassy ironic way that means I’m a mom and I cook decent food (when I feel like it) and I grocery shop and manage all of our lives, but if you’ve come to this blog looking for tips on home organization, I think you might be as shit-out-of-luck as the folks who come here looking for pictures of women doing unmentionable things with vacuum cleaners.

Another photo from yesterday's day of bliss, intended to demonstrate the cuteness that is LL and distract you from the mess of my house.

Another photo from yesterday’s day of bliss, intended to demonstrate the cuteness that is LL and distract you from the mess of my house.

So anyway: I’ve only got two hours with the organizing lady. Where should I target the assistance? There’s the pantry. There’s the wine glass/kids’ craft supplies storage cabinet (yes, those items currently cohabitate). There are the toys in the kitchen. Then there’s my closet, and the top of my bureau which is littered with costume jewelry and random crap. My desk is scary, but I feel I have to do that myself because it’s a lot of papers, many of which can likely be thrown out, but some of which are essential to that book I’m supposed to be writing.

What would you do if you had minimal physical organizational skills–it should be noted that I am excellent at time management and scheduling–and two hours of a pro helping you? I’d love for her to develop some systems I could keep up, but our expectations of my abilities should be extremely low.

Please note something amusing: years ago when I was a teacher, I was an organizational tutor for a high school student. Much of this work involved helping her manage her time, but I once helped her develop a new organizational system for her bedroom. My mother thought this was the funniest thing ever. So I guess I’m a professional organizer, too. But unlike the one whose services I have won, I am not a member of the National Association of Professional Organizers (NAPO). In fact, I’m pretty sure if I tried to join there would be massive protests. Like sit-ins, with everyone in their own neatly aligned storage bin. Does anyone know anyone in NAPO? I want to go to his or her house. And squat in it. Except they’d notice me right away (unlike the chimps in my car, who could go undetected for months).

I’m not posting pictures of my mess because I fear your judgement. And I can’t post a picture of my outfit because it’s the same one I wore yesterday (you were warned). So you got kid pix instead. Lucky you.

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