31Posted: November 29, 2012
In honor of my reaching thirty-one weeks of pregnancy, I thought I would present to you the thirty-one most amusing/surprising/moving/alarming phrases people have Googled and found themselves being directed to this humble site.
1. bugaboo yuppie: one of the chief concerns of parents on the internet seems to be whether they are behaving in a yuppiesh manner. I’m less certain of whether they are aspiring to be yupptastic or trying to avoid it. In any event: yes, the Bugaboo is for yuppies. And man, if I had the money, I would so have wanted a Donkey, even though it would have made me feel like a terrible human being. Being a socialist yuppie isn’t always easy.
2. porn + dildo + elect: Clearly brought here by my previous references to misdirected porn seekers, my discussion of ultrasound dildo, and my obsession with the election, this person was obviously disappointed. Also, do you think s/he meant to search for erect? Is there a such thing as a flaccid dildo? Yes, a quick Google of my own just introduced me to Mr. Limpy. I’m not going to link to him. You can seek him out on your own.
3. Hipster Glasses: This is the search (other than those by people actually looking for me) that most consistently sends people here. And I do have a picture of said glasses, so hopefully these customers are satisfied.
4. Long flexible dildo: I don’t recommend ultrasound dildo for this purpose. It’s not flexible. Or fun.
5. Lakashi people: I reviewed State of Wonder a while ago. I imagine these searchers want to know if the Lakashi are a real tribe. They’re not, and I mention that in the review. Hopefully, more satisfied customers.
6. docter fuck patient while echo baby [sic, sick]: we covered this one already. I remain disturbed and confused.
7. we vibe for short cervix: Is this person looking for a small vibrator because they think they have a small vagina? Or is it a fundraiser for short cervices? Mystery.
8. Bedrest children: I hope this is for people who have children and are on bed rest, not for children on bed rest because that seems extra sad. But if you have kids and are on bedrest, I advise you to hire a nanny who is great with your kid(s) and with whom you enjoy spending time. Is finding that person easy? Probably not (unless she pops back into your life at the perfect moment like Nanny Sunshine). But is it worth it? Yes. A million times yes.
9. “my wheelchair”: Hmmm… well, this person must have been disappointed because they found my wheelchair instead. Which actually belongs to my amazing ninety-nine-year-old grandmother, who refuses to use it. It cannot be wheeled by its occupant, only by a pusher, so it feels very Victorian.
10. micro preemie bottle feeding: Believe it or not, Das Big Boy wasn’t technically a micropreemie. At 1055 grams, or 2lbs 5 oz, he was too big. But my advice to preemie moms is to insist on trying to breastfeed rather than bottle feed whenever possible. I wish I had.
11. america’s next top model porn: Sorry, dud/ette. You should fire your browser.
12. on bedrest how can i vote/vote on bedrest: Hopefully, these folks were able to talk to their doctors and get cleared to vote. If you can go to a medical appointment, you can vote. If you don’t have access to a wheelchair, call your city/town clerk ahead of time and you’ll be able to cut the line, at least.
13. PPROM termination: This one crushed me. My advice to people in this terrible situation would be to make the decision a personal one between them and their partner. But I hope our story provided hope to those refusing to terminate with PPROM. I can’t promise that every outcome, or even most outcomes, will be like ours. But if you’re looking for a glimmer of good news, I’ve got it.
14. what das a boy means when he kiss a gal on a neck?: I don’t think he means anything, except that he thinks neck kissing feels good. And that spelling isn’t his strong suit.
15. peg tube oral feeding: A shitshow. Don’t let doctors tell you that tube feeding won’t affect oral feeding, because it’s a damn lie. Don’t let them overfeed your kid through the tube. Work to minimize vomiting. Have a good feeding specialist and nutritionist in place. I’m not against tubes; they helped Das Big Boy get big. But I would do it very, very differently if I had to do it again.
16. needham blog liquor sales: This person must have wanted on the ground reaction to the fact that wine and beer will now be sold in my town. Thank f-ing gods.
17. hipster code names: Dear searcher, yours is Anthrax Mellonballer.
18. Hausfrauen chubby: You were looking for porn. You got the post in which I ate half a pint of Chubby Hubby and made my colon mad. You didn’t get what you wanted, and I was insulted. Lose-lose.
19. making friends in the suburbs: Girl, I could do a whole post on this one. But my best advice is to mine possible existing connections, be friendly, and join parent/child activities. Also, once there’s a wine store, I’ll be able to make friends there!
20. progesterone shots homeopathic: Nope. Pretty sure they’re just straight up drugs. But not the fun kind.
21. naughty sexy woman wearing caproate: Caproate isn’t an outfit. It’s a “A salt or ester of caproic acid,” according to an online medical dictionary. But I’m glad you find me naughty and sexy. Just the boost I need after that last dude called me chubby. But again, I’m wearing footie pajamas with sock monkey feet, not Caproate.
22. find my iphone husband stalking: I use find my friends for husband stalking, and find my iPhone to find my iPhone when it’s under me somewhere on the couch where I can see it.
23. “g-tube” + women + clothes: I was sad about this one, too, because I imagine a woman was looking for clothes she could wear that wouldn’t make her g-tube too obvious. First of all, having dressed a kid with one, it doesn’t stick out as far as you might worry. I would suggest cute, flowy tops. They pair well with tighter pants.
24. porn sigmoidoscopy: For those not in the know, because you don’t have America’s sexiest bowel disease, a sigmoidoscopy is a colonoscopy that doesn’t go as far into your colon. It is never sexy. This person upsets me. Do you think these people stick around and read my blog. Probably not, right? In this case, I hope not (and I’m desperate enough for readers that I’ll take pretty much anybody).
25. son socks bedtime: Not sure why this person came to me, but yes. Let your son wear socks to bed if he wants. I like socks in bed. Some people don’t. There is enough room for all of us (except that sigmoidoscopy porn guy). And if you don’t have clean footie jammies, socks to bed can be a poor, but acceptable, substitute.
26. magnesium hipster: Magnesium is good for your bones and essential for muscle and nerve function. Sounds good for hipsters and people everywhere!
27. preemie baby boy in nicu eating first bottle: Ask and ye shall receive.
28. gigi cervix: Mind your beeswax! My cervix is fair game, but my mother doesn’t discuss such things in public fora.
29. injuries from writing: I’m guessing carpal tunnel is the most common? Drunken stair tumbles? I wouldn’t know, because, man, have I been slacking on all writing (except for this blog…)
30. yuppie parents brooklyn: Yes. Park Slope, Brooklyn Heights, Cobble Hill, Fort Greene, Carroll Gardens. I could go on. Hipsters call them the stroller mafia. Then they make more money and become them.
31. bedrest sounds great: You sound like an idiot.
What a way to celebrate Baby Girl Husband Hausfrau’s thirty-first week of gestation! Huzzah! Thanks as always for the support that helps keep my spirits up (and thus my baby in!).