Hello, Third Trimester…Stay a While, You Elusive Temptress

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See? Cool.

So even today gets to be a milestone. As of this writing, I am still pregnant! Hooray–I’m in my third trimester! Now last time, the third trimester took me on a wild five-day fling (I don’t want to brag, but we spent the whole time in bed. It was a hospital bed, but still). But almost as soon as she had come, she ran off without warning, leaving me with an empty uterus (ok, actually, she left a rotten placenta behind, but ick, no one needs to hear that story) and a tiny, resilient baby, who almost died but then didn’t and went on to turn into the coolest kid ever.

Still, third trimester, I’d love for you to stay this time. Other women complain about you, you know. How you make their feet swell, how they can’t sleep, how they’re tired and achy. But I’ll treat you so well. We can lay around and tell each other jokes and snuggle. You can enjoy Das Big Boy, with whom you only spent five days last time. He enjoys reading, loud runs around the house, and pretending to cook with a chimpanzee. I can promise weekly transvaginal ultrasounds for a while, if you’re into that sort of thing, (which I hope doesn’t make you a Republican. But even if you are, stay. You won’t be the first Republican I’ve been with). I’d love for us to have a nice long thirteen weeks together. But I’ll settle for ten. But please, please don’t go. Gal Sans Moniker (Thanks, TinaLou, for the placeholder!) and I need you.

Today brought more good news, not so much on the uterine front, (all’s fairly quiet there, although every Braxton Hicks contraction scares the poop out of me, which isn’t easy to do since lying around doesn’t exactly motivate the hell out of one’s digestive tract).

But:

1) I’ve gotten a lot of love from family and friends near and far. My besties. My fam.  A friend from high school whom I’ve barely seen since who offers equal parts emotional support and laugh out loud humor. That warm and witty fellow-mama from grad school with whom I have an exclusively electronic friendship. A family-friend-gal-pal who’s been through something similar and can talk honestly about this stuff with the perfect balance of fucking sucks and hope. And so many more. Hearing from you all buoys my heart. Thank you.

2) I have a nanny! A former student who radiates love and light and is going to take amazing care of Das Big Boy and me. Thank you, universe for dropping her from the sky at the perfect moment.

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Ultrasound dildo. Hope that answers your questions, perv/scared person.

3) Someone arrived at my blog by twice googling the phrase: “docter [sic] fuck patient while echo baby” [sic, sick]. Or maybe two people performed this search yesterday and clicked on my blog.
Do you think this person was searching for a very disturbing and specific form of porn involving fetal ultrasounds? Is s/he concerned about transvaginal ultrasounds, aka, ultrasound dildo? I can tell him/her it’s the least sexual experience ever (or maybe it’s a tie for least sexy with speculum torture and flexible sigmoidoscopy.) I never said my life wasn’t fun.

I’ll leave you with that. And my apologies.

Off to get more ‘roids.

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2 Comments on “Hello, Third Trimester…Stay a While, You Elusive Temptress”

  1. Heather says:

    This is fantastic news, fun and witty writing, and all around making my day. Woot woot!

  2. I say make this your Republican bashing soundbox. Let ”er rip, babe! So good to hear you on and off the page. One day at a time dear Leda!


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